Indifferent.

In-dif-fer-ent [in-dif-ruh nt]
-adjective

1. without interest or concern; not caring; apathetic

I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
Isn't enough
And I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
Down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
Under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
Every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
And I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away






I don't know.
I want so many things but I don't know how to get them.

I feel odd.
But I feel happy.
Today was a good day.

I had wanted to take this blog post in a completely different direction but I really don't want to type out all of my thoughts anymore tonight.
It just doesn't seem very important.


Good night.

Machine.

Right now I just don't feel like looking up the definition of an adjective.


This is Mars Argo.
They inspire me.





I will leave this city.
I can feel it.
And if I can't get into a photography school out of south dakota I'll just walk.
Me and Rory.
We'll walk everywhere.
I'll walk to Minnesota and say hello to Jonas and we'd have a nice few nights, kissing, hugging, more.
and I'd grow restless again and I'd be off.

Maybe I'd visit Luke.
I didn't expect anything more to come of that night, and he lives in nebraska, after all.

And then I'd go to alaska and train up dogs to be famous Iditarod racers.



floating floating floating






I just don't knowwwww.

I wish I'd get sick so that I wouldn't eat so much, and what I could eat I'd throw up but I'd be sick and have a legitimate excuse for throwing up.
I'm just being honest here.



I miss my big brother.
fuck fuck fuck why the hell did this happen?


did I not talk to you enough?
I'm so sorry for every time I pretended to be sleeping in the morning when we woke up and you wanted to play.
I'm sorry for every time I wouldn't play soccer with you.
I'm sorry for every time I wouldn't play on the computer with you.
I'm sorry for every time I wouldn't watch you skateboard.
I'm sorry for every time I wouldn't let you sleep on my floor because you were lonely in your room.
I'm sorry for not listening to you.
I'm sorry for every time you wanted to come into my room and talk to me and I closed the door.
I'm sorry for every time I told on you.
for every time I yelled at you.
for every time I criticized you, hurt you, or if I ever made you cry.

I'm so so so so sorry and I just want to see you.

and I want to see you and hug you and know you're okay because I'm tired of these fucking pictures of you and me from better times.

I'm so sorry.
I love you.

Awake.

a-wake [uh-weyk]

-adjective

4.	waking; not sleeping.

5.	vigilant; alert

Well hello. I'm awake it seems.

Today aj bleached part of my hair and I really do like it.
We were going to put pretty colors in it too but we ended up just leaving it bleached and I think I'll wait for a while to put the colors in now.

This is just nice.



Next week I go with becca and anni to meet this girl named rachel so she can pierce my septum. I am a bit scared I'll admit, but I don't want to back down now, otherwise I feel as though I'll never do anything... I can't quite explain myself right, sorry.



I took some nice photos at the park the other day in photography.
It made me happy.

I don't know what exactly makes me happy anymore. Most things only content me lately, and few times am I actually happy.



I feel everything slipping and it may be okay
because I can feel myself slipping and falling and sleeping
and I and I
just
want
to






be.



And I want to go to a school of photography and I'd love to take pictures of bands, even in local bars because that is one of the few things that makes me happy.
My dad and I hardly ever get into fights but this is the one thing we can't seem to get over. Or apparently I can't, because I just need to get these ideas out of my head of going to an art school. oh sorry dad.


Rory makes me happy.
photos make me happy.
cigarettes make me happy.
Brokencyde makes me happy.
DanceGavinDance makes me happy.
Becca usually makes me happy.
Morgan makes me happy.
Italy made me happy.
losing weight makes me happy.
Pokemon makes me happy.
sc3n3 k1dz make me happy. (:



some girl asked me to be her gf the other day.... FML.
Why can't guys find me attractive? D:



ugh. I'm gonna go read a book or something.

Good night.

Too many feelings to describe with one word.

"In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah I suck dick
Lose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children’s things a young mother’s love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water,
But I’m just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave
leading to my Schizophrenic father.
Weeping willow won’t you wallow louder
Searching for my father’s power

I’ma shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

He’s a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein’ on his mom’s
And born child and he was the bastard that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he’s got his own two sons
Tried to hide his tearz in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Woon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now aligator

Oh in a dream
My father came to me
And made me swear that I’d keep
What sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To live in his name
I pray my way through the Rain
Singing Oh happy day

I don’t mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left staind on my sheets and stains
On my soul
You left me broke down beggin for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face
Another western vampire different time same place
I had dreams that brings me sadness
Pain much deep that a river
Sorrow flow through me in tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
Break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess"

Afflicted.

af·flict·ed [uh-flikt]
- adjective

1. to distress with mental or bodily pain;
trouble greatly or grievously

These days lately are so so tiring.



I'm tired of all this shit that belongs to everyone else, yet I'm close enough to them that it effects my life a hell lot more than I'd like.

I don't want to make any enemies but I will stand up for the people I care about.



And Libby, I'm sorry for what I said the other night and I'm very glad our fights usually only last a couple hours. I was crying everywhere while we were sorting all that shit out and I'm fucking sick of crying.







I'm hurting though.
I'm hurting so so much.
I've been so afflicted lately and it's waring me downnnnnn.

Halcyon.

Hal-cy-on [Hal-see-uh n]
-adjective

1. calm; peaceful; tranquil
3. happy; joyful; carefree

I'm sorry, reality, I do believe I have misplaced you.


Thank you. I've been wanting to say these things on my mind for so long and now that they're out and reaching for you things are just calm.

Halcyon.


This state I'm in right now is good so I'll try to stay in it for a while, but things will always change.





"In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight"

Such a beautiful song.... This has helped me so much today and kept me in this feeling of halcyon.

△

Distraught.

Dis-traught [di-strawt]
-adjective

1.	distracted; deeply agitated.

2.	mentally deranged; crazed.

Origin:
1350–1400; ME var. of obs. distract distracted, by assoc. with straught, old ptp. of stretch

Stop stop stop.
Really, this is too too much.
You pluck away at these vulnerable heart strings of mine and I'm so distraught now.

Both definitions are so wonderfully exact.


I'm losing it everybodyyyy.

If I can't have you then I'll have everyone else and hope it makes you jealoussss.
It's fucking childish, I know, and you might not even care, but it'll make me feel better I swear.


Oh oh there's something gone wrong here behind my eyelids where the colors meet the pictures and thoughts are squeezed out from their little cracks into the open world where hundreds of beasts come and take them away before the poor darlings are even given a chance.

I want to give love, and have love, and be loved and I want to express myself so much more but I just can't yet.

The song Post All 'Em by YACHT calmed me down so much and just filled my mind with new thoughts.

I fucking love it.


△